Journal #1052015
For some odd reason…I had a rough time living through this day, as I’m faced with life’s obstacles I reflect on the things I’ve been through and how strong I have become… Unfortunately for me… I still feel sad about some of my past… It’s not so easy to erase the damages in your mind…I’ve been living in my own truth having to face my problems head on… I’m always wondering where I would be had I spoke up sooner about my abusive relationship…how could I have avoided this.. how could I have signaled the people around me that I’m in a unsatisfactory situation…maybe it wouldn’t have gotten that deep…maybe it wouldn’t have cut me so deep to the core…maybe I wouldn’t have let this change me and my outlook on life…they did say whats in the dark will come to light…and I’m no angel…but I felt like I’ve slept with the devil…
Trying to find who to blame and how to reverse the times…the years wasted…the energy spent dealing with the situation. It’s very hard…it gets easier by the day…but of course…as a woman I still want to be in a amazing loving understanding selfless rewarding relationship…Like I can work all I want to occupy my time and try to avoid the thought in my head…but once you have time with yourself and spend time with your own thoughts… things begin to surface…things you think was lost and gone away…
🙁 Still feel like there is nobody to talk to that truly understands me…everybody wants to say “you can do it” and yes…that sounds good…sounds great…I know I can do it… but where is the comfort…the real encouragement…the real support… where is the shoulder to cry on…where is the hugs and who can wipe the tears away when I have one of these “BIG BABY” moments…where is the person who can make me smile through it all…
& this is where music talks to me the most…
…this is when I talk to myself…this is why I pick up a pen and sing the melodies in my heart…
Even with all this said… I am grateful to be alive and well. Grateful to be apart of something bigger than me…I still feel unstoppable…just sucks to have to think about all this old non sense…pain pain go away…
-MJ